Before you start reading this let me just warn you that this will be a bit of a downer... Sorry. Check in on me next time, and I will be all smiles again probably. Not today, though. This is just something I needed to get out of my system. Thank you for your understanding.
I am feeling a bit down today. I was just sitting here thinking about all the couldas, wouldas and shouldas... Dwelling on memories lingering and lurking in the back of my head... Memories of lost lovers. Opportunities not taken. Moments that passed me by. Things I never said. Feelings I could never express. Notes that were lost. Emotions we used to share. Us drifting apart. All that has been forgotten. Things that never were. Things that never will be.
I was thinking about how I sometimes feel so very lonely. So totally lost. Knowing that I am supposed to chose happiness, that I am supposed to focus on the postive, that I am supposed to be grateful for all the good things and the good times and the good memories I still can't help feeling this way. I am 35, or I will be shortly. I just always thought I would be somewhere else at this point in my life. All the pressure I feel today, heavy on me, is attacking me from every direction. I never seem to be good enough. I can always try harder. I can always do more. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just... live my life? Why do I worry so much? Why this enormous need of being loved and feeling accepted? Why so selfconcious? Why so insecure? And why all this dwelling in the couldas, wouldas and shouldas? The past is in the past, right? Life is now. In my head I know this, of course. Today it's just hard. I know I'm not alone. But I do feel lonely.
See me.
Hear me.
Feel me.
Know me.
Trust me.
Love me.
hullo...i am here...smiles. i hear what you are saying, the sad truth is we can never do enough, be enough...what is past, stays there, except in those rare moments...go look at the sunset tonight...watch the day end and let that lead you to tomorrow...
SvaraRaderaI know there is a scripture I could share about this. I might scan it for you and send to you 2morrow. Leave your email with me at Jennifer.Wilmer@med.navy.mil I will bring my book into work 2morrow.
SvaraRaderaWe will NEVER have enough time. We CANT go back. All we have is NOW. Make today better than yesterday and start from there. I KNOW exactly how you are feeling. I will be 35 this year as well. I went through a lot of emotions trying to figure out what made me happy. I did A LOT of soul searching, and I learned that NOTHING will change unless I changed it....Do YOU...Worry about making YOU happy....I could go on and on about this...Send me an email!!!!!!!!
Arghhh honey, these feelings never last long but they are important to have nonetheless. I am sure you will wake tomorrow with a smile and it will remain... real feelings make us real people. An honest post :)
SvaraRaderaThank you. :) I did watch the sunset last night. And I do feel so much better today. I woke with a smile on my face. Then I saw it had been snowing all night - oh no! ;) But I could still smile about it. Sun is shining. I am back! :)
SvaraRaderaglad you are back....smiles.
SvaraRaderaGlad you are checking in on me... :)
SvaraRaderaSmiles right back at ya!
My quickie fix for this kind of thinking - what might have been....if only.....etc. is this:
SvaraRaderaWhat is - is!
What was - was!
What ain't - ain't!
If it helps, use it. If not, leave it. :)
PG
PG: Thank you for the quickie... ;)
SvaraRaderaThat actually helps. I like that. :)
/Johanna