Järnebrand

Blackout

2010-12-16T13:24:00.000+01:00

I just finished the last examining essay for this semester. There have been many of those, this semester, essays and assignments and deadlines and lectures and seminars. It’s not that I am complaining here or anything. I have loved every minute. However, handing in a final essay and realizing this Christmas Holiday will actually provide time for some actual rest is pretty special. At first I felt quite euphoric over this, but now, a couple of hours later I am starting to feel… empty. It’s like I have given birth but I am not permitted to cuddle with my baby, or babies, in this case. I have e-mailed my babies to my teacher, and now there’s just… me. What to do? Well, why not visit blogland and see if my friends there will be willing to take me back after having had deserted them for months…
I may have been working hard this semester, but guess who has been working harder? My laptop! Which is not exactly mine, since it is the only functioning computer my family has, and we use it for everything: I use it to do school stuff, but everybody else use it to download various material from the Internet, to play games, to play music, to store and edit photos, to order merchandize, to watch movies, to facebook/msn/blog, well, you name it… “My” laptop has been complaining about this. Loudly, he has been telling me he needs a vacation. That he would like to go to a spa. That he desperately needs a massage and a facial, and that he would like to have a foot rub too. I have not listened to him. I have been pushing him further and further towards the edge. I have refused to let him have any sleep; sometimes I have forced him to stay up all night! And now he has started to get even. Three times in a row he has been shutting down on me. At random, it would seem. But every time, he has managed to kick me where it hurts the most. He’s sneaky; I’ll give him that…! The first two times he went all “black screen” on me was when I was having important online seminars discussing literature with my teachers. The last time was just this morning, just as I had pressed “save” on the document containing my final essay. First he showed me a blue screen with strange words and symbols on it, next thing he showed me a black screen with strange words and symbols on it, and finally the screen was just black. No strange words. No strange symbols. Black. After about 30 minutes of tears, sweat, frustration and agony on my part, he decided to come back to life. He has been fine, kind of, since then, but I hear the fan inside him is getting a little loud... I can tell he is annoyed with me. So what do you guys think? Should he get a vacation? Or maybe I should get him a new partner… I mean really, it’s the holiday season, so why not? My laptop might be thrilled and all beside himself with joy if he was to meet…say… a brand new iPad, maybe…? So Santa, wherever you are, I won’t ask for much this year. Just give me an iPad. If you won’t do it for me, do it for my laptop… He needs it.

Johanna

Grafitti Mariestad 2010

2010-10-15T15:17:00.000+02:00

This summer there has been an interesting art project going on in Mariestad, the town where I live. The town's city council decided to hire an artist, Carolina Falkholt, and let her decorate the silo down in the harbour. This huge building used to be big and ugly, but now it is big and... kind of beautiful. Carolina Falkholt is one very talented woman, let me tell you. A lot of these grafitti paintings she did herself, others were done by other artists that she invited. But what's more, even ordinary people who live in Mariestad, or people who just happened to be in the area at the time, were also allowed to spray away at the walls. Of course, me and my family took the opportunity...

Now I would like to share a couple of photos with you guys. Please enjoy. Soon, photos will be all that remain of this event. The silo will be demolished during this fall, to give room for new houses and buildnings that probably won't be quite as colorful.

The activity down in the harbour made a lot of people curious...

This one is my favorite...

This car belongs to the artist herself, Carolina Falkholt.

A beautiful eye

Another beautiful eye

Pretty cool, huh?

This one gets my imagination going...

L - my pride and joy

L and me

L feeling creative

I väntan på ålderdom...

(Swedish for "Awaiting growing up/aging").

A tribute to Jan and Margareta Järnebrand

2010-10-14T15:32:00.001+02:00

I have always looked up to the two of you. Strong and united, you have been my role models. Growing up I was trying hard to copy your ways and, in many ways, I still am. You were always consistent. You seemed to know so much and you had that special way with words, with art, and with music… In our home there was a sense of intellectual humor, of irony and of sarcasm mixed with tenderness and genuine warmth. The two of you, although very different from each other, are yet to such a great extent two parts of a whole. All I want now is for you to be proud of me. Proud of what I have become. Proud of choices I have made. As I sometimes struggle on my journey through life, again and again, you are there, rescuing me. Lifting me up. Giving me support. Offering advice. Encouraging me. For that, I will be eternally grateful. Without you, I would be nothing and nowhere. Thanks to you, I am.

I love you.

Nightswimming

2010-09-10T11:48:00.001+02:00

I am so sorry for having been such a stranger lately. School has been pouring assignments over me, and I just recently got back to remembering how to actually breathe. I take three courses separately at the moment: English Grammar, Language Proficiency and Pronunciation. I have a lot to learn, but I have to say I am really enjoying myself while doing it. My first written assignment in Language Proficiency was to write a “Description” using 175-200 words. We could describe anything we wanted, our teacher told us. I would actually have preferred being given a picture or a topic or a keyword or something, but no, we should feel free to write about anything. Now, that is harder than it seems, let me tell you. This is not my language, I am just borrowing it. And the teacher who is grading us is an actual American – can you believe it? Not one of those fake wannabe Americans, Swedish teachers who lived a couple of years in the States, no, she’s a genuine authentic actual American. She told us to call her Susan. I almost called her “Mrs …” because I kind of felt like I was back in high school again… As I am the ambitious kind, of course I am aiming towards good grades in school. Susan will either give me an F (fail), a G (pass) or a VG (pass with distinction). My assignment was handed in yesterday and next week she’ll let me know if I passed or not. What do you guys think? I am ready for your verdict. :)

“Sometimes when I am under a lot of stress and pressure suddenly I feel an urge to retreat. On these occasions I go to my happy place. This is a place I have mentally created and therefore it exists only in my head. I close my eyes and I can see it. There is a wooden bench right next to a small lake surrounded by tall pine trees. At night the water of the lake looks pitch black and the air rising from the lake is misty. It looks as if there were elves slowly dancing across its surface. The beauty of it all is breathtaking. As I walk towards the lake my toes are softly caressed by the moist grass. There is no sound. There is no motion except for me, since I am the only one here. Descending into the water I start to feel its soothing embrace yet again. It covers me, it carries me and it comforts me. Suddenly there is air again. I can breathe. I fill my lungs and stretch out floating in the middle of the lake. Through night swimming I find peace. “

Michael Stipe (R.E.M.) kind of inspired that one really. (Nightswimming is my favorite song ever.) Well, I should get back to hitting the books. And maybe do some laundry and vacuuming while I’m at it. You guys take care. I’ll talk to you later.

/Jo.

55 - Hooked

2010-08-27T08:38:00.000+02:00

“Please? Do it for me?”, my daughter pleaded. “At least one of them, you’ll love them”! “No”, I told her, “I won’t. I’m not into that kind of stuff”. “But just read the first one”, she insisted. So I did.

I read Twilight. And New Moon. And Eclipse. And Breaking Dawn.

And I was hooked.

Theme Thursday: Equal

2010-08-26T00:00:00.002+02:00

I am the woman

You are the man

I do the dishes

You wash the car

I do the laundry

You change the tires

I get the groceries

You hold the TV remote firmly in you hand

and as you are relaxing on the couch

I am still in the kitchen folding laundry

If we really are equal

…maybe it’s time for me to go wash the car?

Summertime

2010-08-25T10:54:00.000+02:00

Please enjoy a couple of snapshots from this summer...

Kids create art... I love those faces! :)

Nature creates art...

I love these...

Polka dot rose

Sun flower

We stepped out of our shoes...

... and dove into the lake

This is me actually wearing a dress... :)

Hugs/

Johanna

Back to school... and blog land

2010-08-24T13:59:00.028+02:00

...OK, so tell me, how is this done? How do I do this? I admit I had a hard time even remembering my password to log into Blogger... I seems like it was ages ago since I was here, but now I am... back. Alive and kicking. Today is the big Back To School Day. My kids are back in school, and so am I. This semester I will be studying English. The course they start us off with is Grammar... Hopefully you will all see the results eventually as I gradually make fewer mistakes. Hopefully.

My 7 year old son is back in school and even though he looked really tired (and I'm talking reeeeally tired here, people) when I woke him up this morning he still seemed happy to go play with his friends at school. The heavy burden of massive homework is not upon him yet so to him school is just a fun place where you hang out with your friends and maybe learn a thing or two along the way.

My 14 year old daughter starts a new school today and I am so excited for her. It is a brand new school. After she finally had figured out what to wear on the first day of school (which took her a good couple of hours), and she had straightened her hair and changed her clothes a couple of times, she, too, walked to her new school with a smile on her face, together with a friend.

Since my kids were off to school, today I started school too. I did this by getting a couple of new notebooks, pencils, pens, Post-its, and markers. I ordered a couple of books from an online bookstore, I facebooked back and forth with my study group friends, and I visited my local library chasing literature. I am actually excited to start hitting the books. I am looking forward to lots of reading and writing. I'll be sure to catch up on your blogs now and I'll go right ahead and continue stalking some of you like I normally do... I have missed you all so much! Summer has been sweet, but I love the fall too. I can't wait for all the colors! I am feeling a lot of positive energy right now. Good stuff. This will be a great fall! See you!

Knock, knock... Who's there?

2010-07-09T15:04:00.001+02:00

Well, I just wanted to stop by and tell you all that I am still alive. (In case you were wondering...). I'm like that parrot, you know, the Norweigan Blue (even though I am Swedish)...I'm not dead, I'm resting... When I am not working, that is. And when I'm not resting, or working, I am spending time with friends and family enjoying life and the beauty of Summer. I am looking forward to some time off from school and work, I will be enjoying strawberries, ice cream, road trips, blueberry pie, photo opportunities, hugs, good books, and maybe a glass of wine or two watching the sun set...

I will be missing you all, but have no doubts I'll come back to stalk you all when Fall is here. Until then I am sending tons of hugs and kisses your way...!

Love/

Johanna

Listening to old people

2010-06-07T15:27:00.005+02:00

You know how I usually complain about being a poor student? Well, it’s not like this fact really has changed in any substantial way, but I am still very happy at the moment because I have some good news: I have a job for the summer! I will be working part time taking care of old people who still live at home but who need some extra help getting through the day. I will be helping them with breakfast, assist as they take showers, help them put on their clothes, fix breakfast, hand out medicine, take them for walks, clean their homes, deliver lunch, fix supper, take them to see the doctor and the dentist, that kind of thing. I am really looking forward to this. I have had this kind of work many summers in the past and I have loved every bit of it. Maybe I’ll even get to work extra during this coming fall too, if all goes well.

I love being around old people. If you just take your time and really listen to them, they have so many stories to tell. About life. About what’s important. About the stuff that matters, and the stuff that doesn’t. About time. Often talking to them allows me to see things in a different angle, from a new perspective. They make me raise my voice, sometimes only to soon realize I didn’t really have to. Not all old people are deaf, you know. They have on many occasions made me change the radio station. Not all old people love old people’s music, you know… I have seen their scars and tattoos and listened to the stories associated with them. I have seen wounds and bruises. I have carried tiny little old ladies, and I have wheeled heavy ones in wheel chairs, uphill as well as downhill. I have held the hands of lonely people who have told me they have lost everyone and everything, even lost their hope, and I have been trying to comfort them but not always succeeded. I have shared tears and laughter. I have grown in the past. I will grow in the future. Soon I’ll be off meeting my new co-workers and some of the old people I will be taking care of this summer. I am so excited. I can’t wait. Wish me luck!

55 - We are all flowers

2010-06-04T09:51:00.002+02:00

We are all flowers

Growing

Peeking up from the grass

Stretching out

Reaching for the sun

Roots digging through the soil

Craving water

Needing light

We are beautiful

We come in all shapes and colors

We may bow our heads in the wind

But we rise again after the storm has passed

Again and again

Sun is shining

2010-06-03T10:29:00.001+02:00

Summer has arrived… or at least it is here visiting for a couple of days. Summer makes me want to go outside. Almost makes me want to go outside to live. I live in an apartment with my family. Some day I would love for us to live in a house of our own with a lawn, a garden, trees, flowers and all that. The apartment where we live now is perfect for our needs right now however. It is fine really. It is big and the rent is reasonable. So I am not really complaining here. Well, maybe I am, just a little bit.

This time of the year I always get started dreaming about what it would be like to have a house of our own... It probably has to do with the climate here… In Sweden when spring and summer finally arrive, people go crazy. They go wild. They go find their bikinis (the females, mostly),bring out their barbecue equipment, lawnmowers, shovels (not the snow ones though… Ha!) and they plant flowers and tomatoes and strawberries, and then they sit their on their perfect green lawns in comfortable chairs sipping cold drinks next to their perfect houses with their perfect families and… well, I envy them. I might as well tell you that straight out, in case you hadn’t noticed… I am 35 years old. I should have come further along in my life than this by now. I should have a job by now. I should be making money by now. Instead it’s a fact that I am a poor teacher’s student living in an apartment with my family. I have 2,5 years left of school until I graduate. Sometimes I feel frustrated over this fact and also kind of sorry for my family. They deserve better. Especially this time of the year.

I will not let this post remain a pity party though. We have a lot of things to be grateful for as well. First, my in-laws own a summer house by the beautiful lake of Vänern on the island of Torsö. We have our own room there and we can spend as much time as we like with them there during the summer. Secondly, we live next to the lake of Vänern and there are lots of places to go nearby if you want to go swimming. Mariestad, the town where we live, is beautiful during the summer, it really seems to come to life this time of the year. We have lots of friends who own houses with nice lawns. And the lawn outside our apartment is actually a perfect spot for picnics with kids, just bring strawberry lemonade and cinnamon rolls and go out there. I have realized that the rule must go something like this: If you don’t own a lawn of your own, go sit on somebody elses… And believe me, I do.

Sun is shining. The weather is sweet. I am still swamped with school assignments and I will remain that way until next Friday, 11:00 am. (We will have our last quiz 10:30 am…) Today I will take my books and go sit outside and study. I need all the energy that the sun can provide for me. My barefoot feet need to feel some grass under them. I need to meet a couple of lady bugs and butterflies. I need to pin a flower in my hair. My hippie soul lives and breathes the beautiful greens of this season. It is gorgeous out there now. I might try to do to some kind of a photo post tomorrow to try and show you all. Until then, take care. / Jo.

Sorry folks...

2010-05-28T11:37:00.002+02:00

No 55 today... I have been working so hard this week with my school assignments, and on top of that I have been doing some teaching too. In addition, a lot of things have been going on with my family as well. I have been really swamped with things to do, and even though this has eaten a lot of my energy, it has given me some in return as well... I haven’t been able to write anything for my blog though, and I haven’t had time to visit you guys much either and I am sorry about that…

I decided to google for the perfect picture to use as I try to write a post that will allow you to get an image of what has been going on in my mind recently. This class I am taking, Nature and sustainable development, has been messing with my head big time. That is not always entirely a bad thing. But the other day as my teachers decided to be a little bit "spontanious" and give us another three (!) heavy lab assigments due next week, this is how I felt:

And this is how I feel still. I am hoping it will pass during this weekend.

55 - Fall on me

2010-05-21T09:57:00.001+02:00

it’s wet and wild

it’s good for me

i need it in order to grow

going out there and letting it embrace me

taking shelter from it or letting it cover me

breathing it

smelling it

listening to the music it brings

heavy on the rooftops

gentle at the windows

fall on me

beautiful rain

Theme Thursday: Pets

2010-05-20T08:13:00.002+02:00

Just imagine I’d be doing a blog post about pets… Since I am in a desperate need for a break from current school assignments, I have decided I’ll give it a try. I will not, however, use that picture. Somebody commented that it had too much cuteness in it. I agree. That picture was a massive cuteness OD. And I will not even go there…

So what can I tell you about pets? I am not really a cat person. Cats always seem so much smarter than me, and I’m worthless dealing with that… Birds in general, in my opinion, should not be kept in cages. Fish belong in the sea. Rats are far too intelligent to be held hostages by humans. Turtles belong in the wild. But I do love dogs. I really love dogs. And they love me. Dogs are like that, they love everyone… I believe that if some people were more like dogs, this would be a better world. But then again, if that was the case, I guess a lot of people would end up getting arrested too, since dogs seem to enjoy making love in public…

One day I want to have a dog of my own. A big dog. A Scooby-Doo kind of dog. We will take long walks together. I will train him. I will try to challenge his abilities. He will not be allowed in my bed, but it’d be OK to put his bed in my bedroom. If he doesn’t have a lot of gas. In that case his bed will be put somewhere else. A big dog eats a lot of food. A lot of food costs a lot of money. A poor teacher student doesn’t have a lot of money. And therefore, the dog part of my life will have to wait until I get a job. Or until I retire, maybe, considering I really want to be able to actually spend time with my dog too, not just leave him at home all by himself all day while I’m at school working and teaching. Dogs deserve people who care, people who love them and cherish them. Until I get a dog of my own, I’ll just continue hugging other people’s dogs and let them lick me in my face.

Closing up on beautiful growing things

2010-05-18T15:31:00.000+02:00

Trying to focus...

Happy orange

Some more orange...

A promising bud

Some green with a spin

A flower that kind of looks like an UFO or something...

Beautiful rain

Wet wet wet

Time for me to wake up and smell the flowers...

A message

2010-05-17T20:08:00.000+02:00

there is a red light blinking on the answering machine

we decide to erase it but it keeps returning

how strange

but, then again, if it’s broken, we can always go out and buy a new one

right?

there seems to be a message here

but we are just not seeing it

maybe we don’t want to

maybe we don’t have the time

maybe we are just to busy

minding our own business

preparing dinner, mowing the lawn and preparing for soccer practice

there are tsunamis, oil spills, deforestation

erosion

piles of garbage

smog

and earthquakes

floods

volcanos and ash clouds

there is hunger and malnutrition

there is obesity - people dying from eating too much

but why should I care?

I feel fine. Most of the time.

and all the stress

there are status symbols, status updates, status pressure

we climb higher, go faster, build bigger, work harder

mother Earth

we inherited her

now we are draining her

raping her

she is screaming “no”

again and again

but nobody seems to listen

we pretend we don’t hear

and carry on

doing what we do

minding our own business

the way we always have

and the red light is still there...

if we would push play

I think we would hear her crying

55 - Just do it

2010-05-14T00:00:00.007+02:00

The candles were lit, the meal had been fantastic. “I need more than this”, she told him, looking straight into his brown eyes. “You and I have been together for fifteen years. We have been on this rollercoaster ride through heaven and hell, your hand in mine, my head on your shoulder. Now marry me.”

Theme Thursday: Mystery

2010-05-12T19:02:00.001+02:00

you work so hard

to act mysterious

to stay out of it

to take no part in it

to not get involved

to not let yourself be affected

to not have to feel

to not have to know

I am trying to figure out what goes on in that head of yours

To me it is a mystery

why act cool when you are burning up inside?

why look away when you should look me in the eye?

why leave, why now, why at all?

to me you are a mystery

and you always have been

I used to think we were so much alike

chasing shadows,

and dreams,

and shadows of dreams,

and dreams of shadows.

But maybe you went on living

and I am the one still chasing shadows?

It is a mystery.

A good rule to live by

2010-05-11T13:08:00.003+02:00

I completety stole this photo from the Internet. I confess.

Today as I was assigned an English class to teach I went to Vadsbogymnasiet, the school where I work, with a smile on may face. Well, there’s usually a smile on my face actually, that’s just the kind of person I am. Anyway, I was very excited to get to have this opportunity to interact with a bunch of high school kids. The bell rings, and into the classroom two kids enter. Two. And that’s it. Two young male specimens. …(Hmmmm, I suddenly feel like I am discussing Biology here, but I am really not. It must be that course I am taking at school right now, the one about Nature and Sustainable Development, that is affecting me…) Anyway, moving on here with the story… My two students look at me a bit awkward as they inform that the rest of the study group all have decided to leave school early today since last class had been cancelled anyway.

First I feel a little frustrated considering the NSU's (No Show Ups). But then I start thinking… And instead of feeling anger and frustration because of the NSU's I decide to focus entirely on the SU's (Show Ups). These two students are here for a reason. They may be a part of a study group that is difficult to motivate, but they are still here. They want to learn. I am their teacher. Therefore, I will teach.

There is a lot of good energy right here. Positive energy. Ambition. Power. The power of knowledge. Chatting with these kids I feel fortunate. They are making me become the teacher I want to be. Seeing them, hearing them, reaching out to them, getting through to them, helping them out with verbs and guiding them through the mysterious mazes of linguistics I feel alive.

In life in general, we will encounter both kinds of people. There will be NSU's and SU's. As long as we focus on the SU's we are OK. As long as we wish for more of them and less of the other kind, we will be doing just fine. I have one thing to ask from you who read this though. I want you to be honest. Think hard, dig deep into your mind, focus... Promise me to make sure you love what you do. And that, if you don’t, you go do something else. There’s a good rule to live by, right there.

55 - 35

2010-05-07T07:29:00.000+02:00

Age is only a number

Youth is an attitude

Age comes with growing

Wisdom comes with age

Halfway to seventy

Feeling no fear

Embracing possibilities

Faith, love and hope

In between young and old

I am me
I am here

I know where I have been

I know where I’m going

Tomorrow

I’ll be thirty-five

Theme Thursday: Pink

2010-05-06T07:59:00.002+02:00

Think pink, you say? Is that a dare? OK, here we go...

This is my very favourite kind of flower. I don't know the name of it though, not even in Swedish. I know I have said this before, but if I was a flower, this is the flower I would love to be. This is a flower with an attitude...

In my opinion this woman is really cool and also very talented. And she is beautiful too. This is a woman with an attitude.

Pink roses in the shade... Kind of wants me want to... eat them, actually... Wow, that feels strange... What is wrong with me?

To all the women out there... Feel your breasts. Or have someone do it for you.

Another nameless flower I found right next to a lake. She was begging me to take her picture... She actually said: "Please, please, pleeeeeease, take my picture, make me famous...!" So I did.

Hey, teacher! Leave those kids alone...

It's funny I'd say that, considering I am studying to become a teacher and all.

... all in all we're just another brick in the wall...

...and that is that.

And finally, some pink blåsippor... I took this photo a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, how I love the first signs of spring...

Amazing...

2010-05-05T07:37:00.000+02:00

In my dreams I sometimes find myself tasting the salt from the Atlantic as well as the Pacific, climbing snowcapped mountains, walking trough endless forests looking Laura Palmer realizing the owls are not what they seem, expecting to meet grizzly bears… Through wild rivers I am going white water rafting knowing it will probably kill me… On a park bench I sit chatting with Forrest waiting for the bus. He asks me if I would like a chocolate, and he is telling me stories.

I am playing hide-and-seek in the corn fields, looking for signs. And looking for Mel.There’s Laura Ingalls and her sister Mary. Next thing I know, I am sitting in the shade from huge oak trees in Savannah, sipping an ice tea. Fireflies gather around me. I find a turtle out in the wild, and I name him Arthur before I release him. I feel I am part of a road movie that doesn’t end. There is waterskiing. There is a white church. There’s my youth. “Hey Youth, where have you been hiding all these years…?”

There is the farm house with the porch that goes all the way around, huge trees on the lawn, a horse, two dogs, and a typewriter. I am guessing a laptop would work too. There is Brandon, Brenda and Kelly asking me if I want a ride. But nah, I’m not a city girl, and I’d much rather walk. Besides, I am really looking for Dylan anyway. He’s a lot more mysterious. There’s the house with the three cats. There’s that boy with the braces. Oh, and there’s the heartbreak. There’s the guitar. And the fireflies, they are everywhere, circling. Little lights bringing such comfort. There’s the first song I ever wrote. There’s the guy who tried to cook for me but started a small fire instead. And there’s me in that truck stop in the middle of the desert. Finally me and Clint ride out into the sunset together.

Waking up I realize I have been dreaming, but closing my eyes again I can still see you. Even the fireflies. Amazing.

Crazy Eight

2010-05-04T11:02:00.003+02:00

A blogging friend of mine PattiKen asked me to come out and play...

Here's the game we're playing:

1) Go to your photo files, select the 8th photo folder.

2) Select the 8th photo in that folder.

3) Post that photo along with the story behind it.

4) Then challenge 8 blogging friends to do the same.

Here's my crazy 8th:

I took this photo in October 2008. In a park close to where I live there is an old cabin that desperately needs some love. The colors have faded, and even though I like the shade of green on that door the way it is right now, I know the colors must have been a lot brighter back in the old days. Give me some paint and let me care for this old cabin... Let me show it that I love it. I have a feeling there is a lot of history here, and that there are stories that want to be told.

I nominate the following 8 to play (if they feel they have the time, I will definitely not hate them if they decide not to play...):

1. Eternally Distracted
2. Jiorji
3. Michael
4. Cheeseboy
5. Hostage
6. Goddess
7. Foxy
8. Jstar

These are some of my blogging friends out there, people whos blogs I gladly follow. They all have interesting stuff to say and share. You are welcome to check them out.

Peace and love/
Jo

Just having a little fun with fruit

2010-05-03T14:30:00.003+02:00

Monday... With lots to do on my "to do"-list I decided to focus on the stuff that matters, the heavy stuff, the really important stuff... which is updating my blog obviously... I have decided I think it's about time you and I share some fruit. If there are any sensitive readers out there, I might have to take the opportunity to warn you however. Some of the photos in the bottom of this post may be considered a bit offensive... Now, I know you all will scroll down to have a look at them anyway, but please remember, I did warn you.

Here we go again, I just love green and yellow...

Lemon

The lead vocalist and her backup...

Don't you love that shine...

Go green...

I like traffic lights... (Monty Python)

Red and tasty...

That's a nice pair of... satsumas... you've got there

Now... what is this!? OMG...

This is definitely crossing the line....!

55 - Acting out

2010-04-30T07:40:00.000+02:00

the roles you play

the lines you deliver

the masks you wear

the moves you make

caring, acting like the mother

reading, acting like the student

working, acting like the teacher

dreaming, acting like the hippie flower

turning off the TV, acting like the lover

the world is a stage

and I am acting out

Theme Thursday: Bicycle

2010-04-29T07:48:00.001+02:00

I ride my bike a lot. I love my bike. He is my friend. My bike is a yellow and black mountain bike. Well, I keep telling him he is a mountain bike, but actually I think he might be a city bike wearing a disguise… He looks cool anyhow, and we have been trough a lot together. We have been through hell…, eh, well, maybe not hell, but hail nonetheless. We have been through heavy snow storms. We have been through ice. We have crashed on more than one occasion, due to ice. We have cussed over ice on several occasions. (Now I am talking really bad language here, people.) We have been going downhill, fast. We have been going uphill, not so fast, returning from town having had us a couple of cold ones together with laughter and good friends. We have jumped over bumps together. Jump over bumps, don’t you just love the sound of that? We have jumped into hedges too, and once even a tree. Riding your bike might be environmentally friendly, but still the environment I keep crashing into is not thanking me. Or keep crashing into…, we have had a couple of crashes, my bike and I, no big deal.

I live in Mariestad, which is a small town in the southern part of Sweden. Here it is still common to take your bike to go to work. I think it used to be even more common however... Recently I have noticed people who take their car to go only a couple of blocks. I don’t understand why you would want to do that. Maybe they fear that their hair-dos will get messed up or something. Maybe they are in love with their cars, as symbols of their statuses. Maybe they have their entire trunk full of Very Important And Heavy Objects that would be impossible to transport on a bike. Or maybe they just don’t know how to ride a bike…

The way I see it, when you take your bike to work you get some free exercise. Your mind can focus. Well, your mind can attempt to focus at least (how well you actually manage to focus is up to the mind, I guess). Going by bike you notice things you wouldn’t have seen if you hade been in your car, speeding. You notice the weather, the wind, the seasons changing, what kind of dog your neighbor just got, what time that very same guy seem to buy his morning coffee Every Single Morning, and what kind of flowers actually grow in the park… Riding your bike going to work in the morning you get to hear the music of the small town traffic embrace you as the people around you wake up and start going places. Sleepy small towns are so adorable in the mornings. I ride my bike with my eyes and my ears wide open and with a smile on my face.

Eye candy

2010-04-28T11:32:00.001+02:00

There won't be a long post here today. I am not going to dig through my mentally twisted brain trying to answer lifes big questions. No mystery solving today at all, actually. No saving the planet. No ending world hunger, no clean water for everyone. No peace. I am just going to share some of my photos with you. In a random way.

Some eye candy. Please enjoy.

I am totally swamped with school work at the moment. My teachers are trying figure out which is the best way to kill me. I will have to go back to hitting the books.

Maybe I should be thankful as long as they don't hit me back...

Later...

Flowers are my friends.

As my son played tennis my camera found these... balls...

I wish they were mine, so I could play with them...!

But maybe you're not supposed to play with your balls? ;)

Sometimes I wish I was a bee... :)

Love the colors of yellow and green...

Love the color of the red...

I hate to repeat myself, but aren't the colors wonderful?

(Hey, listen to me... I must be in love - I even seem to love grey...!)

If I was a flower, I'd like to be this one...

Remember to brush your teeth

2010-04-26T11:36:00.002+02:00

You know the situation where you enter expecting the worst and end up … somewhere else...? I took my son to the dentist this morning. I had recently noticed a black spot on one of his teeth. First I figured it was only a strawberry seed or something, only I wasn’t able to get rid of it. I used different kinds of toothbrushes, toothpicks, even a fork, but it was still there. I felt terrible realizing that black spot was probably a cavity… I could feel the pain, the shame, the agony… I could hear the drill drilling… I could taste the funny-tasting taste in my mouth… I could smell the smell… I think you all get the picture. I felt like the worst Mom in history, like the worst Mom ever, allowing my son to get a cavity… I mean, he is only 7 years old!!! Oh, absolute horror… And what would the dentist say? I imagined that the dentist would be a grim looking silver haired man with angry eyes and a moustache… Would he start throwing sharp tools in my direction? Would I be needing a helmet? Should I be bringing a Bible? I imagined how he’d yell at me for not taking better care of my son’s teeth. What kind of terrible person was I!? Didn’t I realize my son was supposed to able to use those teeth For His Entire Life…!? What had I done!? Or rather, what had I not done!?

It was weird, considering my stress, but I started thinking about a joke that actually really stinks, but I might as well put it in here. I am terrible at telling jokes, and I imagine writing them down is probably not one of my strong sides either, but the way this post is going I figure, why not?

A man sits down in the chair at the dentist’s office and the dentist leans over to have a look at his teeth. Suddenly the dentist yells to the nurse: “Hey, come have a look! This must be the largest cavity I have ever seen, I have ever seen, I have ever seen, I have ever seen…”. Now, this makes the patient feel really uncomfortable, so he says (Well at least he tries to, but he has a lot of strange objects in his mouth so it is kind of hard to actually hear what he says… The dentist, however, has had a lot of practice listening to people in the very same situation, so this is what he hears): “OK, so I realize that’s not good news, but you don’t have to say it over and over again, I mean, what’s the point in that?” And the dentist replies: “Oh, I am sorry, but I didn’t. That must’ve been the echo…”

Yeah, I told you that joke wasn’t really any good. With the sound of this echo in my head, however, I put on a smile and my brave face and escort my son into the dentist’s office. He gets to lay down in the funny-looking chair, he gets complimented for being a good boy (and inside my head I go “yeah, he is a good boy, but I’m a bad Mom, a bad Mom, a bad Mom…”), he gets to look at the cool pictures on the ceiling, he gets to play with some of the awesome tools and is, all in all, from the looks of it, having a terrific time laughing and smiling at the nurse. Time to open up and have a look... “Now that’s an interesting looking black spot”, the dentist says… After a little digging in my sons mouth they decide to call in an specialist to have another look. After a little more digging the specialist laughs out loud, showing me the black spot… on the tip of her gloved finger… “Look, this is is some kind of a seed. It might be a strawberry seed... or what do you think?” She smiles when she sees the look on my face. “Here you were, thinking you were a lousy Mom, and as it turns out, you’re really not, huh!?” She winks at me. I am smiling. I am still smiling. I am good. I am a great Mom. And I won’t ever doubt that again… until next time I doubt that.

You kids be good now, and remember to brush your teeth...

55 - Red eye

2010-04-23T08:28:00.003+02:00

You have never had me

You have never known me

I have met you in other people

But never in myself

I won’t let you get me

I will never open my door for you

I feel sorry for those who did

I admire the ones brave enough

To ask you to leave

Red eye

Theme Thursday: Draft

2010-04-22T11:11:00.000+02:00

This week I really felt like participating in Theme Thursday… So on Sunday I went to check out the theme for the week… Draft… Hmmm, I started thinking… I didn’t feel really familiar with this word… It’s not that I didn’t know what it meant, I was just not sure how to use it. Actually, I don’t think it’s a word I ever have used to tell you the truth. (Now, this isn’t my language, I should tell you that, in case there are readers here who don’t know me already…) Anyway, my mind started spinning its way around the word “draft”. I was thinking “cold”, “chill”, “football”, “a writer’s first draft”, “beer”… I was having serious trouble focusing. I wanted very much to write something catchy, scary and chilling. So eventually I did what I usually end up doing when something bugs me enough – I googled it. And I found something kind of interesting. And I also completely stole it, from here.

According to the Urban Dictionary there is something called:

1. Ghost draft

(n.) A draft that a ghost creates using a ghost fan.
Often directed towards victims with mustaches.

"Dude! I totally caught a ghost draft yesterday!!!"
"Awessoome!"

Now, isn’t that interesting? Now off to google what a ghost fan is… (I think I may qualify as one, to tell you the truth…). So until next week (why, yes, I think I might be willing to participate again… and this time maybe actually write something)…

Peace and love/ Jo.

10 things I need to do before I die...

2010-04-20T15:10:00.002+02:00

Isn't it kind of scary it is possible to actually have toes this long and still be... human?

Not that I am planning to go anywhere soon, (by anywhere I mean heaven... or hell…) but I still made this list today with things I really need to do before I die. I wasn’t able to finish it, though. I might need a little help with the last one… Any suggestions?

10 things I need to do before I die

1. Travel to the North of Sweden and do some serious hiking (and remember to bring the bug spray…!)

2. Get a job. As a teacher. (2 ½ more years of school ahead, and then off to spend the rest of my life in… school…)

3. Learn Italian.

4. See Rome. Feel Rome. Touch Rome. Taste Rome. Live Rome.

5. Go back to the US and see Virginia again (Virginia as in the state of Virginia, not Virginia as in an old girlfriend…)

6. Swim in the Dead Sea. (And take a looooong shower afterwards, probably…!)

7. Write a novel. At least one. Get it published. Get rich. (OK, so I don’t have to get rich. But could I please get published? Pretty please?).

8. Me and Mattias randomly travelling Europe for an entire summer. No kids. Just us. (We would be total vagabonds, sleep in our car or under the stars, and just be… alive… Ah…).

9. Become a vegetarian. (I keep telling myself this. I do not WANT to be a meat-eater. But I keep eating meat. What is WRONG with me!?).

10. …

Still trying to figure out number 10… Maybe I am just not ready to let go of this world yet.

/Jo.

I don't know much

2010-04-19T14:44:00.001+02:00

As I study Nature and sustainable development I realize how little I know about everything. I don’t know anything, really. Scientists have had theories about the universe, about space and time, about this planet for over a thousand years… They have known how to measure the Earth for ages, using Mathematics and Logic. Energy and matter… that is all, folks. How big is Earth? What does Earth weigh? How deep are the oceans? How tall are the mountains? How old is our planet? What are we made of? What is life? How did everything begin? I don’t know. I don’t even know how to find out.

If it was up to me to tell you how it all works, if I hadn’t been socialized into believing the opposite, I would say Earth is flat. I would also say that it is a big world. I would have realized this all on my own if I had, say, climbed a mountain to check out the view for example… I would tell everyone who would listen that there is a Sun, Mother Sun, who circles our world. And that if we are nice to each other she will return the next morning… (Yeah, why not throw a little religion in there?). When it is dark her sister the Moon is up there, watching over us, along with her children, the stars. We need the Sun, as she is the Mother of all that is living. We also need water in order for things to grow. We need to take care of the world where we live. This I would know. I would tell my kids not to wander off to far, as I would probably fear the unknown. I would tell them not to dive too deep when they go swimming since there might be Sea snakes down there, hiding below the surface. I would not want my kids to go down too deep into any pits or caves either – there might very well be monsters down there too… If I hadn’t been so socialized into believing man was in control of things here on Earth, I think I would respect Nature in a far greater way. I know I would.

We are pretty vulnerable. We are tiny, really really tiny. We are also very unimportant. A volcanic eruption on Iceland has been effecting people all over the world for days now… Lots of flights have been cancelled… Oh, absolute horror... Imagine having to miss that connecting flight... People feel the stress of not being able to arrive on time. People are screaming from frustration… They have their very important and busy lives to come home to… People to see, meetings, dead-lines, stress… And here they are, stuck at the airport... But at least they are not covered with lava. Maybe they should be thankful they are not screaming from pain…I am thinking… Maybe we should all be just a little bit more grateful we are living? Maybe we should value life more, value our lives more, value the lives of other people more. Maybe we should consider what is actually important in our lives, and what, in fact, really is not. The fact that we even exist is a miracle. Now, I am not a religious person. But I am starting to feel… awe. I just had to share that with you.

… Wait a minute… I think this post needs a little bit love… So Mattias, here we go… I am quoting a country song here… (Or at least I think it is a country song). I don’t know the title, but then again what else is new? I already told you I don’t know much…

I don’t know much… but I know I love you
...and that might be all I need to know

55 - You are welcome!

2010-04-16T10:19:00.001+02:00

Usually you show up this time of the year, you bring a few friends and spend some time out in the sun with me. Some people think you are a pain, but I have grown to enjoy you. Last night I noticed you had finally arrived. The new freckles on my nose: You are welcome!

OK. So they are really tiny. You probably can't even see them.

But I can. And they are welcome. :)

Not just numbers

2010-04-14T20:32:00.000+02:00

In school I am taking a class right now which is called Nature and sustainable development. This class is about Environmental Studies, Science, Biology, Ecology, Physics, Chemistry, Philosophy, Evolution, well, you name it. Among many other assignments we are supposed to do a survey comparing how long people in general live today, compared to people who lived during the 18th and 19th centuries. Our teachers have told us to search for old tombstones at cemeteries and collect our data there. Our study group were selected to gather information about 100 males who died before the year 1900. Last night I visited a cemetery and started writing down years. The year they were born, and the year they died. Checking the names on the tombstones just to make sure that they were male, then writing the digits down in my notebook. Like a scientist. Well, I suppose that was the plan anyway.

I did not feel really comfortable doing this however. It is not that I have a problem with cemeteries, I really don't. Actually, I love cemeteries. I find them beautiful and peaceful. I like the idea of people resting forever side by side in the shade beneath huge trees. The reason I felt unconfortable is that I felt they deserved to be more than just numbers. Searching for dead male citizens who died before the year 1900 suddenly made me feel cold. They were actual living people once. People with lives, families, dreams, hopes and fears. It got me thinking. I felt so very humbled by it all, humbled by their prescence. In this survey we are doing all these people will remain only numbers. But I read their names on the tombstones. I read the Bible verses some of them had added on there. I found huge stones, engraved in gold. I saw really tiny ones, where it was now impossible to read the names and years. Some tombstones had little sculptures attached to them. I realized that the wooden crosses that probably once were there too, today no longer exist. They are gone forever. Some of the graves looked well taken care of though, with flowers and candles next to them. Some of the names on the stones seemed familiar, as they were probably relatives to families who still live in the Mariestad area.

Last night I felt jus like I got to meet men who were dead. I felt I looked them in the eye. And that they looked back at me. To them I was a strange visitor from a strange time. What was my purpose there? Suddenly I didn’t even know myself. What was I really trying to investigate? What was it all about? I felt awkward and almost a little ashamed. Filling my notebook with the years got me thinking. I wanted to know so much more about them. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to know why the father and the son were buried next to each other with no signs of the mother. I wanted to know who they were. Who they wanted to become. I wanted to know what life was like in Mariestad when they lived here. I wanted them to tell me about their dreams, hopes and fears. Were they really resting in peace? Those who died early, too soon... Why? Were there an accident? Were they sick? Those who lived long, what kept them going? Who did they love? ...And all the information I could take in were the numbers.

I started to think about Death... I started to think about all the graves that no one ever visits anymore. Those that are forgotten. No family left. No relatives. No one who still remembers. To me, that is what Death is. As long as there is somebody who remembers you, you are still alive. When there is nobody left, all that is "you" are lines, dots and numbers engraved in stone.

Signs of spring...

2010-04-14T11:12:00.003+02:00

My daughter is extremely allergic to these... Poor thing...

Don't they look kind of cool, though?

In Swedish these flowers are called "Blåsippor"

Some tulips E got for her birthday

Realizing I need a camera that will allow me to get closer,

I am still going to post this.

This flower is so sweet even when it's out of focus.

Just imagine what it looks like live... :)

Fourteen

2010-04-12T10:54:00.001+02:00

Can you imagine? I remember it like it was yesterday… ~~Oh my God, I’m old, I’m old, I’m old…~~ Do you remember what it was like? The future was bright, and endless possibilities spread in front of you. Endless paths leading everywhere. Surrounded by friends, school work, social activities, music and crushes on classmates, pop stars and movie stars, you were on the top of the world. And in the same time, you were terrified about those braces you were getting... Scared to death anyone would see that zit you desperately had been trying so hard to hide all morning using a concealer (which was in the wrong shade, by the way). Fourteen…

E… My darling child. Today you turn 14. When I was your age I felt like an adult. I knew everything. I was ready to take on the world. You are my daughter, and we are similar in many ways. Stubborn. Sensitive. Strong. Ambitious. We slam doors a lot. Many are the times that you have ~~yelled at me~~ told me “Mom, please just give it a rest…!”. Now, I know the mess in you room can be described as ~~disgusting~~ just another way of being organized. I have also noticed you generally seem to find what you need when you decide to look for it. Getting in constant fights with your brother, well, that is to be expected. What else are little brothers for, right? Well, you can always use him every once in a while to play SuperMario on your Wii, right...? ~~Thank you, dear God for Nintendo…!~~ When you two get along, you can create those childhood memories together. He looks up to you, you know. He loves you very much. And as for the way I nag at you about getting your homework done…well, what do you expect from a Mom who is a teacher? Of course I will be going at it. ~~And believe me, I will keep going, and going, and going~~… And I won’t stop. It is because I care. And I know you are getting very good grades. I know you are a good student. I am very proud to know these things about you.

I carried you inside of me for nine months. ~~My back hurt, my feet were swollen, and as for the giving birth thing, well I…~~ You were a part of me, and you are still a part of me. You always will be. I wish there was a way for me to show you all the love I have felt and feel for you. I wish I could paint the picture, dance for you, write the poem or the song, play the melody, sculpt the clay, take the photograph, plant the flower beautiful enough to make you understand how much I love you.

E, I know where you’re at. I know where you’re coming from. I totally understand. I see you. I listen to you go on and on about the events that take place in your life. I hear you, even when you are silent. I am so proud I get to have you. I am so fortunate you are my daughter.

Today I am celebrating the day you were born: April 12 1996.
I love you, E.

Happy birthday!

Mom

55 - I will follow

2010-04-09T08:21:00.000+02:00

It's a small world after all.

Following.
Reading.
Smiling.
Commenting.
Getting to know you.
Starting to love you.

Someone once said:
“Follow no one, lead yourself…”

Now I don’t agree,
following many.

Listening. Living. Loving.
Crying.
Laughing. Out loud, at times.

Swept away by
the love you share,
the stories you tell,
the beauty you show.

Carry on.
I will follow.

The many faces of a psycho

2010-04-06T11:08:00.002+02:00

What is this? Now why would she want to force us to look at a bunch of photos of herself? What is her problem? Why this sudden need for exposure, you might be asking. (...Sudden need for exposure...? Er...) Well. Let's say I am making up for all the posts I never wrote during Easter break. I haven't really been anywhere near this laptop for a couple of days now, and that is due to a massive overdose last week. Overdose on school work, that is. I finally handed in a exam paper where most of my energy had been focused the past weeks and I really needed the break from it all. But now I am back. And I am inviting you all to explore my twisted personality by looking at a few snapshots of my face...

Still hopeful.

(Note there's an engagement ring on that finger. Which has been there since 1995. Just saying. And I am not married yet...)

I could not resist. I had to post this one. This is me.

And this might be the reason I am not married yet... :)

(So sorry if I scared you)

Love. You. All.

Silence is golden.

But who wants to remain silent? Not me.

Oh no. I have said too much.

But it is all good.

Oups.

Please just delete me.

Zzzz...

Trying to look smart. Really really trying.

Adieu.

Thank you

2010-03-31T08:43:00.001+02:00

I figure this is a good day to say thank you. Family first. I am so very thankful that I have my two beautiful children, E and L. I consider myself privileged because I get to see you both every day. I can hug you whenever I want to. I love you two so much. You mean more to me than anything in this world. I am also very thankful that I have M in my life. It has been you and I for 15 years, and even though we have had a couple of rollercoaster rides, we have managed to keep the love through it all. I am still here. I'll stand by you. And I know you will be there, seeing me through the good times and the bad times. Even though you still haven't proposed to me, and I have expressed frustrations about this fact in the past, I know you love me with all of your body and soul, and I am so thankful for that. Thank you for letting me love you back. Thank you for letting me grow as a person every day.

I am thankful I know how to fill my days. I am thankful my days are full. I am thankful I know what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be a teacher. I am thankful being a teacher's student studying hard, and in a couple of years I will have my teacher's diploma. I am thankful for all the long sleepless nights with my laptop, my books and my cold coffee as my only companions. Thank you for showing me this path. I will follow.

Thank you for allowing me to express myself through music. Thank you for allowing me to feel creative as I take photographs, paint, draw, sculpt and arrange flowers. Thank you for all the beauty that surrounds me constantly.

Thank you for putting me through the difficult times, and for testing my strength. Thank you for putting obstacles in my way that force me to climb them and allow me to see things from a different perspective. Thank you for all the times my eyes open and I see. Thank you for showing me there are many sides to each melody. Thank you for teaching me to appreciate the darkness, as fuel to my inner light. Thank you for the poetry. Thank you for the heroes. Thank you for the music. Thank you for the inspiration.

Thank you for hearing me.

55 - Earth hour

2010-03-26T07:17:00.001+01:00

On Saturday I will live in darkness for an hour,

an Earth hour...

I will take a walk through the streets of my hometown

with family, friends and neighbors.

All will come together,

joining each other in the desire to save our planet,

raising awareness,

turning off the lights.

On Saturday

I vote for Earth

I do not like that woman

2010-03-24T23:40:00.000+01:00

Let me tell you about a woman I do not like. This person is extremely nosy (is that a word?). She spends so much time digging her nose into other peoples business, so she hardly has any time left to mind her own. I started this post by telling you I don’t like her, and that’s true, I really don’t. Now, I like most people. I am not crazy about everyone, but for the most part I have found something to like in most people I have met to this day. But this woman… she is scary. I can hardly find the words to describe her. She is stupid beyond belief. She makes me feel all cold inside. What did this poor woman ever do to you, you might be asking... Well, I will tell you in a little while. And it’s not what she did to me once that upset me really, almost not what she did to me twice, either. It’s what she did to me three times that got to me.

A couple of years ago I worked at a gym. I was the cute and cheerful receptionist greeting people behind the fancy desk. After we had closed, at night, I would clean the whole place and wipe peoples body fluids (sweat mostly, I am guessing…) from the gym equipment, as well as cleaning bathrooms, showers, you know, the lot. Anyway. Sorry, I got lost there for a while. One day as I stand there behind my desk smiling and chatting with club members she suddenly approaches me. “Ah, I see it’s about time I told you congratulations, I can see a little baby bulking in there”, she says, grinning, pointing at my stomach. She thought I was pregnant. Oh no. When I smilingly told her “No, ma’am, that is just me having a bad posture, or maybe I should work out more, ha ha…” she smiled back at me and left. She didn’t even tell me she was sorry. I felt a little troubled and hurt. Did I look pregnant? Was I fat? Should I start a diet? (Again...).Should I buy a new pair of running shoes? Pilates, maybe that would work? Should I get some ice-cream on my way home from work and eat it all watching old Friends-episodes?

A year or two later I still worked at the gym, now as a health consultant, a sales person and a Pilates instructor. She approaches me as I stand showing the new spring collection of Casall tank tops. She smiles, all friendly looking. Then she pokes me in my stomach and asks when the baby is coming. I don’t smile back at her. I just tell her I am not, in fact, pregnant. That night I go home with my tears falling. I remain somewhat depressed for two weeks. Did I mention she didn’t say she was sorry?

A couple of years later I find myself working at a school. She works there too. One day as I pour a cup of coffee from the coffee machine in the staff room she approaches me. She smiles. “When you are wearing that dress you are not able to hide it anymore. Come here, let me give you a hug!”. Can you believe it? I wasn’t pregnant this time either. But this time something snapped inside of me. I had never reacted that way before, and I never have since either, but I yelled at her (and I hardly ever raise my voice), I told her exactly how I felt, I reminded her of the fact that it was the third time she did this, and I asked her how stupid it is humanly possible to actually be. I used a lot of bad language too, but it was all in Swedish and wouldn’t mean a lot to you. I think you get the picture, though. Guess what happens next? An apology? No. Instead she gets extremely upset that I cause such a huge scene in the staff room (Well, my yelling did attract quite a few spectators), and she therefore demands that I apologize to her on the spot for making her feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable… Now, I am proud I didn’t punch her. She should be thankful I didn’t punch her. I am a pacifist, after all.

She never got that apology, though. And she never will. I do not like that woman.

A good rule to live by: Do not ever ask a woman if she is pregnant. Just don’t. Not even if she is on the floor, naked in front of you, giving birth. That might be a good time to call 911, though. :)

Lasagna

2010-03-22T15:06:00.003+01:00

When I woke up this morning I felt a sudden craving for lasagna. I smiled to myself, knowing exactly what to cook tonight for supper, for once. I could almost taste it already, the meat sauce, the basil, the mozzarella… I love the feeling when you just prepared something really delicious and only have to wait for it to get ready in the oven, the wonderful smells that start to spread through the apartment, setting the table, maybe lighting a few candles… Sigh… My head full of vivid images and my senses running wild over the upcoming fun time in my kitchen I went to tell my significant other, who was currently in the bathroom brushing his teeth, of my supper plans. He gave me a nasty look, tooth paste all over his face. He didn’t exactly jump with joy hearing about my lasagna plans. Actually he looked at me as if I was some kind of a bug, an intruder taking up space in his bathroom. I mean, please, he was only brushing his teeth, for heavens sake… He then told me I should go ask the kids, and see how they liked my plans. M is not a big fan of my cooking. Obviously, huh? I have never understood why, though. I put a lot of passion into my cooking. Spices, herbs, my passion, my soul … I am really creative too, let me tell you. Sure, I’ve messed up a couple of times, but who hasn’t, on the other hand? I’d like to think I at least learn from my mistakes.

Anyway, feeling a little bit discouraged I went into L’s room. He was sitting on the floor playing with his Lego. “L”, I said, “you know that lasagna I made for us the other week, did you like that at all? Was that any good? Would you like me to cook that tonight?”. And L, my darling child, my beautiful, brilliant boy, looked at me in a funny way and said: “Mom, you know how you tell us we are only supposed to say nice things to people…?” Me: “Yes…?”. L: “Well, I can say I didn’t enjoy it a lot…, but I still love you…” I asked him what was wrong with it, and then he told me, flat out. He now admitted to having found chunks of actual tomato in the tomato sauce…! He also thought he remembered having spotted a piece of onion or two in between the lasagna layers. And heaven forbid be there any pieces of onion in the food…! I smiled at him, ( the “I love you”-part always gets me…) sighed, kissed him on his hair, and left his room to go ask E instead. She’d stand up for me, at least. I was hoping. I entered her room. She was still asleep. I didn’t care. I had to know. I walked up to her bed and asked her how she felt about the lasagna I made the other week. Did I sound like a psycho doing this? I hope not. Almost still asleep E gave me her answer: “Mom, I didn’t like your lasagna at all”. Just like that. No mercy.

Now, I refuse to make lasagna with no onions and no tomato in it. I mean, what will they complain about next? No cheese? No pasta? Please. I still haven’t decided what to do tonight. I might make lasagna anyway, in fact, I think I should. And they can eat it if they want to, or have their father prepare something else if they don’t. That’s what I should do. That’s how I should react. I hope, tonight, I will find the strength to go through with it.

55 - Let's go

2010-03-19T08:06:00.002+01:00

This post is me attempting closing in on fiction. My 55 poem this week is about the things you say, and the things you do, and the reasons why. It could be me talking, but then again it could not. I would never drive my kid to school since we live next door to his school... I don't think I'd drive him if we lived far from school either, to tell you all the truth. In that case we would probably just take our bikes. Save the environment and all that, you know. Anyway. Recently I have noticed that I tend to say things like "come on" more often than I say things like "I love you" and "Come here give me a hug" and I don't think that is a good thing. I mean, look at my baby. He is so wonderful. So perfect. He deserves all the best. I love him so much. I need for him to know that. Does he know that? Oh, I hope he does.

55: Let's go
Come on.
Let's go.
Now.
Here.
Put this on.
Let's go.
We're late.
Hurry.
Here.
Careful.
Seat belt.
Please start...
Come on!
Thank you.
OK...
Alright, we're here.
Watch your step.
Careful now.
Let's go.
Got your bag?
Here.
I know.
I love you too.
Have a nice day.
I'll pick you up at 2.

At least I can laugh about it

2010-03-18T15:07:00.005+01:00

Once upon a girl there was a little time…

Eh…
Let me try this again…
She had big blue eyes…
And her hair used to be blond.

By the way… Do you know that Evian spells naïve backwards?
It does.

But that has nothing at all to do with this story. I’m just not sure how to start…

The girl I am going to tell you about was kind of a wreck. Faking sanity she was constantly struggling to make ends meet. She noticed in the mirror that she had started to look old. She used to look…, well, …younger… She was self-centered and completely lost. Lost in translation. Lost in time. Lost in space. You name it. Apart from being completely lost she always kept extremely busy. She was always trying harder, aiming higher, running faster, pushing further. Something was bound to happen. And eventually, it did.

One time due to a lot of stress this girl suddenly started to lose all her hair. Just on a few little spots, at first. Not a big deal. Yeah, right. Later, there were more spots than actual…hair. She looked a lot like an old man. Now I’m talking really old here, people. So she decided to shave her hair off. All of it. For a couple of minutes she felt really brave and cool. But then she started to cry. She didn’t look at all like Sinéad O’Connor. Not at all. She looked like E.T. Or Gollum. Or a mix of E.T and Gollum. Pale, dry-skinned and hairless. Then she lost her eyebrows, to make matters worse. Later she lost her eyelashes. Eventually her legs were perfectly smooth. Not that she cared about that. She was too busy missing her eyelashes. She wore shades. She wore scarfs. She wore baseball caps. She wore hats. She finally swallowed her pride and got a couple of wigs. The girl was not happy whatsoever. She felt more lost than ever.

What was she supposed to do? She decided to make some changes. Things got better. She decided to change jobs. Things got even better. She decided to try to relax more. Her hair started growing back. On certain spots. She now looked like Ronald McDonald. A bald clown with curly hair on the sides. Even though she wasn’t entirely satisfied with this hair-do, she managed to smile into the mirror again. If you would have seen her, you would have smiled too. Eventually she had hair again. Only, it wasn’t blond any more. Her hair was now hazelnut brown and afro curly. She felt thankful still, having hair, having eyebrows, having eyelashes, and she started to think the afro curly hair looked kind of cool if you wore a hippie hairband. She had always felt like a hippie at heart anyway, so why not have hippie hair, right? Anything is better than bald. Trust her on that, people. As her hair grew longer, it got a bit less curly. And there’s a wonderful invention called a straightening iron too. Today, her hair looks almost normal. She looks almost normal. (On the inside she still has a lot of issues however…)

Lately she has started to worry again, about a few growing bald spots on her head, though. What if it’s started happening again? Is Gollum going to re-surface? Didn’t she tell him goodbye already? And in the same time, she knows that if she worries too much about this, that will add to the stress, and her hair condition will get worse. So she knows she shouldn’t worry. She knows she should relax. Chill. She knows she should allow herself more “me”-time. Eh, more "her"-time, perhaps. In her head, she knows all this. She also actually feels ashamed to even worry about this issue. It’s not like she has cancer. It’s not like she’s going to die or anything. But she just might lose all of her hair. Again. What changes does she need to make this time in order for her to feel better? Can she even prevent this from happening again? She tries so hard to live a good life. But there just seems to be something she is missing, something she is lacking. Is it exercise? Is it healthy food? Is it time alone? Is it God? Is it vitamins? Is it sun? Is it peace within? Or is it love?

Soul searching, peace searching and wig searching/

Johanna

A bit of a downer...

2010-03-16T15:27:00.000+01:00

Before you start reading this let me just warn you that this will be a bit of a downer... Sorry. Check in on me next time, and I will be all smiles again probably. Not today, though. This is just something I needed to get out of my system. Thank you for your understanding.

I am feeling a bit down today. I was just sitting here thinking about all the couldas, wouldas and shouldas... Dwelling on memories lingering and lurking in the back of my head... Memories of lost lovers. Opportunities not taken. Moments that passed me by. Things I never said. Feelings I could never express. Notes that were lost. Emotions we used to share. Us drifting apart. All that has been forgotten. Things that never were. Things that never will be.

I was thinking about how I sometimes feel so very lonely. So totally lost. Knowing that I am supposed to chose happiness, that I am supposed to focus on the postive, that I am supposed to be grateful for all the good things and the good times and the good memories I still can't help feeling this way. I am 35, or I will be shortly. I just always thought I would be somewhere else at this point in my life. All the pressure I feel today, heavy on me, is attacking me from every direction. I never seem to be good enough. I can always try harder. I can always do more. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just... live my life? Why do I worry so much? Why this enormous need of being loved and feeling accepted? Why so selfconcious? Why so insecure? And why all this dwelling in the couldas, wouldas and shouldas? The past is in the past, right? Life is now. In my head I know this, of course. Today it's just hard. I know I'm not alone. But I do feel lonely.

See me.

Hear me.

Feel me.

Know me.

Trust me.

Love me.

Inspiration

2010-03-15T10:45:00.000+01:00

Suddenly it just hits me. Usually there's no warning, all of a sudden it's just there. It grips me. It moves me. Emotions fill me up. My mind starts to focus. My brain starts to boil. My pencil comes to life, begins to glow and starts to make its way across a blank sheet of paper filling it with lines and dots connecting them into meaning. It's a high. It's a rush. It builds and grows. I can feel I am in touch with my soul. Like there's something inside of me talking, I think I can hear a voice that is trying to tell me something.

It can be triggered by Nature. A walk in the rain. A memory of a lost love. A song. A scent. The look in the eyes of a friend. A photo I keep in my wallet. An old lady on the bus. A day full of pain, betrayal and tears. Or a day full of accomplished tasks and the laughter of children. A novel. A poem. A painting. A hug. A flower. Or the joy of holding a pencil that was just sharpened.

You know when you feel the flow? When the moment grips hold of you? And you feel like there's nothing you can't achieve? Like there's no goal you can't reach? To be high on inspiration is the best trip.

And losing it is all the more painful.

So please, Muse of Inspiration, stand by me. Help me believe I can achieve big things. Help me believe I matter. Allow me to express myself. Now and forever. And ever.

Yours sincerely/

Johanna

55 - Strong

2010-03-12T07:41:00.001+01:00

i was born

i was

i am

i will be

i stand

i feel

i want to be

my voice is

my legs are

my love is

my faith is

my lungs are

my beliefs are

my friends make me

you make me feel

powerful and

beautiful and

smiling and

tall and

loved

and

…strong

Land of the free, home of the...

2010-03-09T15:51:00.000+01:00

Ever since I was a child I dreamed about going to the US. My elder cousins both got to go as teenagers to live for a year in the US as exchange students. That became my dream too. I kept telling my parents that this was what I planned. Not what I would like to, or what I was wishing for, or dreaming of, I just told them what I was planning... My poor parents... I started attacking and going at them when I was eight or nine. And I just kept going. Very dedicated that way. And they kept telling me I was too young. Obviously. I had to at least have finished the 9th grade first. In Sweden after finishing the 9th grade you have 3 more years of high school before you are ready to go to college. (If you choose to go to college).

Anyway. Summer of 1991... I had just turned 16. School was out for the summer. Freedom. In August I was leaving on a jet plane. I was going to leave Sweden, my family and my friends, and go to the Land of Dreams. Where miracles not only happen but where they happen all the time, right? I was expecting to meet new friends, get to know a new culture and expand my language skills. I got to have all that, and so much more.

Everything was new. Everything was exciting. People spoke funny, not at all like my English teacher in school. They spoke really fast, too. I got to live in a house with three cats. I went to church twice a week (!). I went to church choir practise. Imagine that. On Sundays I sang in a church wearing a very strange looking robe. I went to school riding a yellow school bus (like in the movies!). I had Pop Tarts. Disgusting. I had Mountain Dew and Dr Pepper. Weird. Junk food. Oh yeah. Taco bell. Chinese take-out. Wendys. Hardees. BK. McD. It's a miracle I didn't put on any weight... I watched Mystery Science Theatre. I fell in love with REM. I joined the Drama Club. People actually asked me if the Swedish bikini team really existed. I answered that I didn't think so. People asked me it we had a lot of polar bears in Switzerland. I didn't answer that. I went out on dates. I kissed a boy. I fell, in a rather humiliating and embarrassing way, getting out of his car afterwards. I fell in love. I had a boy spit his gum in my hair to save the world from disaster. I got dumped. I made a lot of friends. I went to school dances, one homecoming and two proms. Not my thing. I went hiking. Definately my thing. I learned a lot. About the US. About other people. About myself. Land of the free, home of the weird... I mean brave. :)

It was a wonderful year, so fully packed with good memories. I met a beautiful, warm and welcoming people. I made friends for life. The memories I will keep forever. I will never forget 1991-1992. I am so very thankful my parents let me go. Now, If E asks, will I let her go live abroad for a year...? Hmmm... Well, she hasn't asked yet. Let's just leave this topic. Now.

Seize the Day

2010-03-08T11:44:00.002+01:00

First, I would like to apologize in advance. I can't believe I am forcing you to take another walk in the snow with me. You guys must be really sick of snow by now, aren't you? There have been a lot of posts about winter and icicles and frostbites and ice and how we all want Spring to come, and I have written a whole bunch of these myself. We all long for green grass, butterflies, tiny little flowers, sunshine and those cute freckles on our noses (if we are that kind of people who get freckles... and that kind of people who actually think they are cute...).

Looking out my window, however, I can tell I will have to wait for quite some time yet. And I am the kind of person who likes to enjoy Today. Today I see snow. Today I decide to enjoy life anyway. I will go for walks. I will take pictures. I will smile at the Sun even though I can't feel her warmth yet. It will come. Until then, I am seizing the day.

Join me for another walk through snow and ice...

E made this heart

M on the ice

Snow

More snow...

The silly people

The kids belonging to the silly people

"Puss" is Swedish for "kiss"...

Thank you for walking with me. Feel the Love. Seize the Day.

55 - A prayer to a lighthouse

2010-03-05T07:14:00.000+01:00

Tell me

how does it look

from up where you are

standing tall

seeing all

(I feel so small)

What do you see?

Do you see me?

Where the sky meets the sea

is that where I'll be?

Where does it start?

How will it end?

Would you tell me, please?

Will I ever mend?

Staying warm in the cold

2010-03-03T15:26:00.002+01:00

A green house... without the green

It kind of looks like a beard, doesn't it?

Ice, ice, baby...

Frosted glass...

Oh, I wish I was a tree... in the summer...

A green apple on my desk

2010-03-02T08:44:00.002+01:00

Don't you just love the smell of books? Or the smell of the pencil you just sharpened? A blank page just for you. Spread you entire soul on a sheet of paper. Or just doodle. A new semester, a new course, a fresh start. Notebooks. A green apple on your desk. Exploring the blackboard jungle, chalk, tall piles of papers, books, exams, students, laughter, question marks, exclamation marks, people, ideas... Pride, passion and peace. I realize this is exactly what I want to be doing. I love being a teacher. Always have. Always will.

I love the look in your eyes when you get it. I love the smile on your face when you know. I love to put you in the spot light. I love to see you struggle. I know you'll get it right. I love getting to borrow your youth, your energy, and your spirit. I love sharing whatever wisdom I may have. I love the debates and the discussions. I love when you feel safe enough to question. I love giving you a challenge. I love watching you grow. I'll be the coach of your mind. You'll be the fuel to my soul. It is a giving and a taking. You make my heart grow every day.

This is not a job.

This is my life.

Some thoughts on nudity and being naked

2010-03-01T10:57:00.004+01:00

This photo has nothing to do with this post really. I just didn't have

any good photos of nudity or being naked on my computer, and when

I googled it, I ended up with a whole bunch of not appropriate hits. :)

This weekend, for some family fun, me and my family decided to go to this indoor (well, it would be indoors now, wouldn't it?) water world kind of place in a town near where we live. It is one of those gigantic WaterWorlds with a whole bunch of swimmingpools, jazuzzis and water slides. I'm lacking some vocabulary here, but I hope you all get the picture? I think you know what kind of place I am talking about. My kids, E and L, really really really love to go to these facilities, so me and M take them on swimming trips serveral times a year. My kids are actually water creatures. Every once in a while I have to check them for gills...

Even though I kind of enjoy water slides myself, I'm actually not a big fan of these trips to tell you the truth. Here's the reason why: It is crowded, it is noisy, it smells funny and people aren't hardly wearing any clothes. The not wearing any clothes part is the part I am having the most trouble coping with. This makes me feel really uncomfortable. I feel I'm being exposed to more skin than I have asked for, and that I expose more of me than I feel safe doing. This trip was no exception. Don't get me wrong here, I think it's wonderful that people come in all shapes and sizes, and it's really great that they all seem to feel so... comfortable... walking around almost naked in public. I, however, do not. I have nothing against nudity, or being naked either, for that matter. I rather enjoy being naked. But when I am in public I would rather be wearing clothes. A bikini is just not enough to make me feel comfortable. But that was what I was wearing. And I was trying to relax and have a jolly good old time with my family too, I really was. But I kept seeing all these almost naked bodies everywhere. I saw skinny people, old people, huge people, pale people, tanned people, body builders, hairy people, hairless people, people with very long toe nails... I believe I saw quite a lot of silicone. I believe M saw quite a lot of silicone too, thinking they were actual boobs... Men... No comment. Sigh.

I saw a lot of tattoos, too. That was actually kind of interesting. I even started thinking about maybe having one done myself. I don't have any tattoos. I think they look really good on some people though, but then again, on some people they look awful. Don't worry, I won't be getting one in the near future. I also saw a lot of piercings. When it comes to pirecings, I already have one, and I think one is enough. At least for me.

Now, I know I shouldn't complain. Nobody is forcing me to go on these swimming trips. Well, actually my kids are, kind of. But still, why should I let this get to me? It is clearly a problem inside my own head. Why do I care? Why can't I be cool enough to just walk around there and not let it bother me? Why should I care about all the almost naked people hardly wearing anything? And, why do I care about what they see when they look at me? But I do care. What do they see? Do they the 35 (almost) year old mother of two who for the last 5..., ehrrm, 10..., ehrrm, 15 years on New Years Eve has promised herself and the world to spend more time in the gym and less on the sofa in order to try and convince some of her body parts to move back up north? And do they even care? I mean, why would they care, really? They are probably busy having a good time with their families. They are probably not checking me out.

Fact. I do not enjoy being half naked in public. I guess that is what this post is about. For those of you who are still reading this, let me first take the opportunity to thank you for you endurance. Hang on for just a little bit more, and you will have reached the end of this post. Finally. To wrap this whole thing up let me just tell you this: I love swimming in a lake. When I do, I feel like a fish. I feel smooth. I feel fast. I dive. I can hold my breath for a really long time. I can. I love water and being embraced by water. Closing my eyes I can hear Michael Stipe sing "Night swimming". And he's singing it to me. Beautiful. Aaaah... Nightswimming in a lake, I might have to be checked for gills too. And being naked is not longer a problem. Nudity alone is not being naked, that is just Nature. No need for a bikini.

55 - You will return

2010-02-26T10:34:00.001+01:00

wonderful star

worshipped by many

you will return

light up my days

even my nights

bringing back green

thawing

melting

flooding

birds and leaves and butterflies

all will sing

and dance

in your honor

seeds will grow

toes will touch grass

lovers awake

way up there

on a clear sky

you belong

beautiful

sun

Exploring Green

2010-02-25T16:28:00.012+01:00

I think it's time for me to explore a color. I got the inspiration to do this kind of theme from a very talanted blogging woman that I amire, Hilary. We have had a lot of white stuff outside here in Sweden lately. Lots and lots of white stuff. This winter has been long. And cold. So when I chose a color, it was an easy pick. I chose green. My favourite color.

Chestnut flowers and beautiful leaves

Ivy

Green boys looking at the sun... or expecting rain...?

Just some random leaves

Green means peace...

Spring time

Enter my heart...

Light and shade

Watch out, I'm sharp...

Mysterious green door

Everybody knows

2010-02-24T10:28:00.003+01:00

I felt like doing someting different for once. It seems I have a lot to do for school, books to read, papers to hand in, assignments to finish. And as always, when I'm busy, I seem to find about a million other things I'd rather be doing... So I tried this... I put together a couple of photos I have taken, and combined them with a song me and my very talented brother Anders Järnebrand recorded a couple of years ago. It is a cover of Leonard Cohens wonderful piece "Everybody knows". I just sing, my brother does everything else.

Well, I probably should be getting back to my books... I just have to make a quick update on my facebook and twitter status... and make some more coffee... and maybe fold some laundry (did I actually write that!?)... and prepare lunch... and... maybe take a nap? ;)

Gorgeous February

2010-02-21T17:30:00.029+01:00

I can't help it, I just love this season. Gorgeous February.

The cold, the snow, the beauty, the frost, the frost bites...

Well, maybe not the frost bites...

Here are some more winter photos from where I live. Enjoy...

Last night's sunset. The view from my living room.

The town you see is Mariestad. My town.

The island of Torsö. This is where we spend our summers.

I took a walk on the frozen lake of Vänern.

I love how they look so soft, even though they are frozen.

I love those three oaks in the middle.

I follow them through the seasons.

I admire them in the Winter, in the Spring,

in the Summer and in the Fall.

Welcome to our place. In a couple of months. Or so.

The thoughts of a snow flake

2010-02-21T16:50:00.006+01:00

Just look at us snowflakes. We are so small and so fragile, in all our beauty. But the things we can accomplish if we stick together... In the interaction with others we can achieve great things. Together with our family, our friends, our contacts, our facebook friends and our followers, no matter how many or how few they might be, snowflakes feel strong and able to perform miracles every day. We are powerful and beautiful and we can seem a little bit cruel at times, but we don't mean to. It's just Nature. We're all just frozen rain drops, you know. We'll all be water one day.

I have heard that no snowflakes out there are alike, that we are all individuals. We are all unique. Really? Could that be true? Just think about all the snow that has fallen on Earth over the millions of years this rock has spinned... Just think about all the snow that has fallen outside my kitchen window since yesterday. A lot of snow. A lot of snowflakes. And to think we are all unique... That thought is larger than my head. It feels like those times when you start to think about the Universe, where it starts, where it ends, how it started, how it's going to end, the time, the space... You know, when you feel yourself get lost in your own mind and just sit there gazing out into nothing, mouth open, frozen... (And L goes: Mom, is something wrong? And you go: No, honey, nothing, I was just thinking...) ...I was just thinking about how small I feel in the Universe. There is just so much space there and so little to fill it. There just seems to be so much darkness and so little light. Space seems so... cold... I was thinking about how I sometimes feel like a snowflake. Unique, yes. But fragile.

Hey, look at me everyone...! I can fly. No, actually I'm falling... But hey, don't catch me. Don't try to hold me in you hand. I might melt. Don't come to close. And please don't shovel me away just yet, either. Let me stay this way and remain frozen a bit longer. Keep my distance, you know. I'm not ready to melt just yet, so I'll just be chilling with my facebook friends on your lawn here for a while. On a superficial level. Frozen. But still warm.

55 - Peace

2010-02-18T16:05:00.006+01:00

I don't think it is difficult at all
to sit and look at the sky for hours
Nature yoga
Call me yin
You'll be my yang
Watch the clouds shift
Gently stretch
Listen to the wind
Breathe
Feel the rain
Grow
See the sun rise
Glow
The sun set
Rest

full of Wonder
and Peace

Save the planet

2010-02-17T10:27:00.008+01:00

When I grew up I had big plans. I was going to save the planet. Save Africa from starvation. Save South America from poverty. Save the USA from the death penalty. Save the whales. The seals. The gorillas. You name it. I joined Greenpeace. I joined Amnesty International. I joined Miljöpartiet de Gröna, the Swedish environmental party. I recycled. Big time. I was a rebel. I planned on being an environmental activist. I planned on writing books. Creating art. Paint. Take pictures. Write songs. Express myself. I had big plans.

And I got pregnant, 20 years old. I became a Mom. That shouldn't change things, but it did. I got lazy.

Sigh.

I will soon be 35. I'm back in school, pursuing a career as a teacher. I guess my plan is to remain in school forever, or at least until I retire. Or die. And maybe that's how I eventually will save the world - by saving a couple of teenagers. Maybe that's the way to go. Start with yourself, your family and friends. Your students.

Who knows? I still might write a couple of books some day. I could still be an environmental activist. I still write songs. I'm still a member of Amnesty International. I can still save the planet.

And I still recycle.

I am cat woman

2010-02-17T09:48:00.005+01:00

I am cat woman.
My eyes may be blue and innocent daytime,
but at night they glow in the dark.
I have seen it all.

Watch out.
I am so strong.
A force of Nature,
nocturnal.

Always out there defending the weak and the poor
against injustice everywhere.
Jumping from rooftop to rooftop
dressed in black leather.

Behold!
A dark silhouette against the Moon.
Here I come to save the day...
You'll never know what hit you.

I am cat woman.
Hear me... meow

This is one of the many different characters crowding my brain. Don't mess with her... :)

Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T10:32:00.004+01:00

Please don't give me chocolate hearts
All I need is you
Tell me you love me
and I am yours for ever

Listen to my soul.
Dive into my brain.
Look into my heart.
Taste my thoughts.
Feel my melody.
Hear my mind.

Please let me express
all that is in me.

Keep you door open.
Don't slam it in my face.

I believe in love.
Love believes in us.
I believe in you.
Please believe in me.

55 - Going home

2010-02-12T07:38:00.005+01:00

On the train
I put my feet up
Lean back into my seat
Gather thoughts from today,
try to organize them a bit
I watch the trees fly by
The snow
The purple sky, so cold
I close my eyes
and I listen to the sounds from the tracks
The rythm
soothing
I'm going home

Getting personal

2010-02-10T14:30:00.007+01:00

I have decided it's time for me to get personal. Well, not that personal really, I won't get undressed or anything, but I would like to show you some things from my home that are important to me. And I want to tell you something about them, too.

So, buckle up, here we go...

This is a sculpture me and M got when we got engaged. That was in 1995. We are still not married. Sometimes this really makes me sad. I love this sculpture though, I love how they seem to find such good comfort in eachother. That is what I want. And some love letters, every now and then. ;)

This is the view from my kitchen. The buildning you see is actually my son's school. Very convenient in the mornings, I tell you... And yes, we do have some snow here in Sweden.

This is a flower arrangement I made the other day. It has kind of a Spring theme. Even though I usually don't complain about winter, this one has been really long and cold. The butterfly is fake, obviously. I could never force a real one pose for me like that... ;)

This is a flower I got for M when he turned 34 the other day. I don't think he appreciated it as much as I would have, though. And I don't think it's because I'm a girl either, he probably just doesn't like flowers all that much. Too bad for him.

This is the Love of my life. It's a She. M got her for me when I turned 30. She is perfect. Isn't she beautiful? Sounds wonderful, too. I wish I had more time to play...

This one's a He. His name is Lennart. I named him after a very cool Latin teacher I once had. Lennart has a secret dream that I would be a better guitar player. I feel kind of sorry for him. But I tell him to keep on dreaming.

This is a book I had to read for school, after I had read it. It doesn't even resemble a book when I'm through with it, now it looks more like a Christmas tree... Sad. I wish I remembered what I read, too.

This is my family. I had these photos developed and wrapped as a birthday gift for M this year. I think he actually liked them. Not the one of himself though, beacause he's kind of shy. Or at least he says he is. I am the photographer. I took the one of myself too... :)

Last but not least, this is where I like to sit when I read or when I listen to music. I have slept here a couple of times too. I've had wine here too, well... let's just say I've done a lot of things here. A good spot.

Well, that's all for now. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Come back soon. I'll make some coffee.

Three cats I used to live with

2010-02-09T14:44:00.007+01:00

Once I lived in a home with three cats. There were people living there too, obviously. This story is not about them however. I might write about them some other time because they all had some very interesting issues. There are a couple of good posts there, just waiting to happen. Some other time.

I never considered myself a cat person, but these cats became my friends. Marcus, Lucas and Theodore. (I lived in a preacher's house at the time, a fact that might explain their Biblical names.) These cats were a bit strange, all three of them. They were all Siamese. That means that when they meow (is that even a word...?) they meow extremely loud. These three were no exception. They all had blue eyes. Beautiful. Lucas eyes were, well, wait for me to google this since I seem to be lacking the vocabulary... Again. ...Lucas suffered from esophoria. According to Wikipedia this is characterized by inward deviation of the eye. Poor Luke. He was so cute but he used to walk into things. He used to scare me half to death too, in the mornings, jumping from the floor, right up on top of innocent old me still asleep in my bed. It was like being punched right in the chest. He was one heavy cat. Kind of fat, really, to tell the truth. But I loved him.

Then there was Marcus. He actually belonged to S, the 13 year old son in the family. I think Marcus was afraid of S though, beacause he didn't go anywhere near him. He seemed to like me enough however, and in the evenings he's curl up in my lap when I sat on the couch with B, the father in the family, when we watched old black-and-white horror movies on TV. That is, Marc would curl up there if Luke wasn't already there... Marcus used to meow rather wildly, even for a Siamese cat, and chase his own tail around the house a lot. It was a big house. And Marcus was really fast. You never knew where he'd turn up...

And then there was Theo. Theo was like one of those really old men that you see sometimes, and you're not really sure if they're still alive or not. Wait a minute, is he still breathing, somebody call for an ambulance...! Yeah, that kind of old man... But a cat... He used to walk in slow motion. Slept almost all the time. Didn't eat much (well, actually I suspect Luke ate his food before he had time to walk up to the bowl...). Theo enjoyed a piece of fruit every now and then, though, he preferred banana as far as I can recall.

One thing that was really sad with these cats was that they had no claws on their front paws. They had all been surgically removed. This was done to save the furniture. I was a Swedish exchange student living in a very strange country for a year, and had never heard of such a thing before. I always felt so sorry for Marc, Luke and Theo beacuse of this. They were never allowed to go outside. They never saw the sun, felt the rain, chased mice - how could they have? They never felt the grass under their paws... Poor things. They were indoor cats. I mean, how cruel is that? I'd say it's horrible. Anyway, had they been allowed to go outside they wouldn't have been able to do normal cat stuff. They couldn't have climbed trees. They couldn't have defended themselves against other cats. They would've been so out of their elements. So I felt really sorry for them. When me and S got home from school they'd sit there and beg with their blue eyes for us to let them go outside. But no.

I am still not a cat person. I'd really like to have a dog one day though. A big one. But my family has troubles with allergies so there won't be a dog in this home, unfortunately. Unless somebody comes up with a cure for being allergic to fur... I will always remember what it was like to live in a home with three cats, and I know I'll never forget their interesting personalities. These cats are all in cat heaven now, and I hope they are climbing trees like crazy up there.

My beautiful E

2010-02-08T10:22:00.011+01:00

My baby

She is way too beautiful

Stunning

Drop dead gorgeous

Last night she danced for me

Oh, somebody please tell me why did I let her take those dance classes?

What was I thinking?

Beyoncé, watch out. She's gonna get you. If she feels like it. She will.
Seems not long ago, she was my little girl. My funny little girl. So smart. Pony tails. So full of giggles.

Now, who is that teenager dancing around in my kitchen?

Where did she come from?

She terrifies me.

I will lose her.

I have lost parts of her already.

She has a lot of friends. Everyone loves her. Kids love her. Old people love her. Teachers love her. I fear boys might love her too. Oh, E, why not become a nun? Doesn't that sound like fun? But I can see where this is going. There will be boyfriends. Boyfriends with mopeds. Boyfriends with cars. And you'll be dancing somewhere else.

Oh, please, E, be my little girl. For a few more years at least. Listen to your Mom. Talk to me. I love you so much. I know a lot of things. Don't slam your door. Let me in so we can talk about it.

I'll always remember your dance in the kitchen last night. Seeing how grown up you are I realize how we need to cherish each and every moment we spend together. You grow up so fast. I am so proud to be your Mom.

I love you.

Exploring frozen beauty

2010-02-01T14:32:00.011+01:00

Let me tell you about a passion of mine. I am on a constant quest searching for beauty. My camera is usually my only companion as I take long walks exploring my world. I have really been enjoying this winter. This winter is by far the wintriest winter I can remember ever. I don't even recall winters being this wintery back when I was a little girl with braids out in the countryside outside Hova. These days I hear a lot of people around me complain about the snow, the cold, the ice in the streets, their heating bills, their cold feet, how they just hurt their back shoveling. Please. It's weather, people. It's not like you can make it change by whining about it. Wear something warm. Hug a friend. Tie a scarf around your face. If you´re cold, make love. Or something. I love winter. Actually, I'm a great big fan of seasons. I love the extremes.

The other day, me, Winter, my camera, my daughter E and my son L, went for a walk on the frozen lake of Vänern. It was surreal. -20 degrees Celsius. So cold. So crisp. Sun setting. My kids actually getting along. For a short while. And the light. It was magical. Here I have posted some of the photos I took. Enjoy.

E and L... I love you.

Frozen and beautiful.

Footprints in the snow.

Sun setting. Dark snow.

White snow.

Frozen playground.

Winter. I feel strong. Exploring frozen beauty.

55 - He's gone

2010-01-27T08:44:00.001+01:00

One dark evening in another universe:

Car. Door. Footsteps.

Arrives.

Running out to meet him.

I missed you.

What's that look on his face?

A letter.

But why?

Nothing.

He gets in the car.

Read it and call me.

Leaves.

I read it sitting on the floor.

Realizing what just happened

I cry.

He's gone.

I just used 55 words to describe how if felt having my heart broken when I was 16. If I think back really hard, this is how I remember things. But since I am a lot older now, the thing I remember the most is the love. The happy moments. The passion. The excitement. I remember kissing. Learning about love. And life. And that almost everything in life seem to happen for a reason. My heart healed, obviously. Eventually it did. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Lost in translation

2010-01-25T13:04:00.000+01:00

I’ve written a couple of texts here, just randomly, it would seem. The only Swedish text so far is a school assignment that actually turned out quite well. The assignment was to write a short essay describing the development of the school subject Swedish starting in the 1800s until this day. I named this essay The Odyssey of Swedish as a school subject and wrote it all in dactylic hexameter. I am such a nerd when it comes to these things. A translation into English, however, was out of the question… Even I have limits, it seems.

So why am I writing this blog… Let me explain. I had planned to start writing a blog for quite some time. Inspired by a dear friend of mine, I decided it was time. I started this blog not with an intention of having 500 followers, but more as some kind of self-therapy. The reason I decided to make this a Swenglish blog is that I am Swedish, but English is a language I used to know. I plan to get to know English again. Sometimes, expressing myself, I find better and more suiting expressions in English. Other times the things I want to say end up getting lost in translation. It is so very difficult not being a native speaker. The irony of this is that at times expressing yourself in Swedish, especially if you’re writing poetry or song lyrics, is difficult too – because it suddenly gets so personal. So it seems, whatever I do, I get lost in translation...

Maybe I should introduce myself. Where do I start, though? Who am I? What the hell am I doing here? Where am I going? I am a lot of people, animals and creatures. There are many roles I have to play and many faces I have to wear. But who is that girl deep inside? Who do I see when I look in a mirror? Who do you see when you look at me?

I am a daughter. A mother. A lover. I am a student. A teacher. A student teacher. A teacher student. I am a daughter in law. I am a sister in law. I am a granddaughter. I am a friend. I am a little kid with pony tails. I am old. I am the girl next to you on the bus that you don’t even notice. I am a neighbor. I am a psycho. I’m totally self-centered. I am a stranger. I am no one. I am everyone. I am anyone.

I am a fish. I love swimming in the ocean. I am a vampire. I lust for your blood. I am a Metallica song. Play me. Play me loud. I am a hippie with flowers in my hair. I am a pacifist with my pencil and my brain as my only weapon. I am a flower. Leave me alone. I am a bitch. I have opinions. I am an onion. Peel me and you’ll see. I am an old oak tree. Sit under my shade with a lemonade. I am a hug. Let me embrace you. I am a walk in the rain. Breathe, and you’ll feel it. I am so very sure of myself. And at the same time, I am so totally lost.

So, I have decided I may need therapy. Blog therapy. Writing it all off will hopefully help me put things into perspective. Hopefully this will make me see things more clearly. With your head full of butterflies and wild ideas sometimes you need to take a step back. Breathe. Not take yourself too seriously. My goal is to figure out what all the people, creatures and animals inside my head want me to think and feel, and to write some of it down here. Some of it will be in Swedish. Some of it will be in English. Some of it will be in Swenglish. Some of it will inevitably get lost in translation.

All things bright and beautiful

2010-01-20T14:37:00.000+01:00

All things bright and beautiful
all creatures great and small
all things wise and wonderful
the Lord God made them all
- or did he?
Someone did.

I just realized I truly love nature.

Svenskämnesodysséen

2010-01-15T10:22:00.000+01:00

Här försöker jag skildra svenskämnets utveckling genom vår historia på hexameter. Ambitiöst? Kanske. Nördigt? Definitivt. Inspiration fann jag i Odysséen och i "Svenskämnets historia" av red Jan Thavenius. Fast mest i Odysséen, kan jag villigt erkänna.
Tack Homeros!

Thavenius, sjung om det ämne som länge i skiftande öden
irrade kring, en konflikt mellan kunskapsförmedling och fostran,
mellan det höga och låga, nationalism och kulturer;
svenskämnets innersta väsen för flertalet ännu en gåta.

Grammatik skapar ordning, långt in i reglernas värld låt dig styras
så att ditt sinne inte fördunklas, utan du finner klarhet.
Så tedde sig språkämnet svenska, ett ämne i latinstudiers ledband:
Ordning i elevernas texter innebar ordning i själen.

I ett bredare tidsperspektiv är det möjligt att visa på detta:
Radikalt har olika tankar om bildning avlöst varandra.
Svenska och bildning, begrepp som har fått många olika former,
olika inriktningar, skilda funktioner vid olika tider.

Sådant är människans sinne på jord, att det skiftar med dagen,
sådan som denna blir sänd av gudars och människors fader.
Från färdighetsträning till utveckling, språkets och tankens,
tillbaka till färdighetsträning, man ställer sig frågan om varför
en svenska för bagare, en annan för snickare, en tredje för samhäll?

I gällande styrdokument vill författarna peka på detta:
Ett svenskämne anpassat alla? I konflikten möts enhet och mångfald.
För vilka lämpliga vägval bör göras på den språkliga bildningens resa
i ett samhälle fyllt utav språk och av många kulturer som samsas?

Hör då ett ord, som jag nu vill er säga, och lägg det på hjärtat!
Intet på jorden är fött så vankelmodigt som mänskan
bland de varelsers mängd, som på jorden sig röra och andas.
Ibland rusar hon framåt, ibland vill hon bromsa och backa,
ibland ta kommandot och rodret, ibland villigt låta sig styras.

Vårt svenskämne utvecklats har under inflytande utav just mänskor
som ivrigt har spejat mot framtiden, analyserat sin omvärld,
skrämts av en del fenomen, men lockats och öppningar sett inom andra,
Enligt tidens rådande anda har svenskämnets kärna så formats,
men trögt flyter tiden ibland då det helst vore dags för förändring:
När reformerna så trätt i kraft var hög tid att slipa på nya -
genom att då reagera, gå vidare, växa, förändra.

Det är tydligt att resan är målet och att målet är just själva resan.
Att hålla svenskämnets utveckling levande, här har vi alla ett ansvar:
Att engagerad i samhället, skola, kollegor, och i dialog med elever
forma ett svenskämne lämpligt för gruppen vars öron man lånar,
medveten om bredden i ämnet, med vidöppna ögon och hjärta,
lyhörd och flexibel, o Thavenius, den svenskläraren vill jag vara!

Natten gick hän, och det grydde till dag, och de seglade ständigt.

Impossible dream

2010-01-14T10:39:00.000+01:00

I have no right to feel this,
I know I should try to hide it.
Play along, act normal
like everything's ok,
nothing has changed.

Each time it happens
I get weaker though,
I try to look the other way.
Pretend I don't see,
fake stupidity,
acting normally.

Why must I be weak?
I'm just so extremely human.
The things I crave,
the needs I have -
my soul is in denial
my body nailed down
my mind fixed on a lie

I need your help to grow stronger
I have to fight off these demons
before they drag me down
I need to face the unevitable
and just let go
of this impossible,
unthinkable
dream

Even though I know
it will hunt me yet
at least for a while

Another song. This one was even recorded once. My very talented friend Per created a wonderful melody. Too bad I've misplaced my copy. This song is in my head now instead.

Music is a funny thing. A strong power. And a healing power too. I just listened to three really weird and crazy songs written by a very talented man I admire a lot. The songs made me smile. And I really needed that. I'm under a lot of stress right now, I guess you could say. I'm under pressure. There are a lot of things on my agenda today, things I really really have to do, important things, essays to write, exams to prepare for, assignments for school to hand in. I'm also supposed to prepare food for a family who probably won't even say thank you. Our home is a mess and will remain so until I decide to do something about it. Places to go, bills to pay, people to see, laundry to clean... None of it seems even a bit tempting though. Maybe I should emigrate? Or maybe I should just listen to some more music and sip on my coffee until I find the strength to move on. Maybe focus on my breathing. Or something like that.

I'm feeling a bit lost. I'm not really sure I am where I'm really supposed to be, or doing what I'm really supposed to be doing. I miss someone, and I think that someone is the person I used to be. I'm not really sure how to reconnect with her. Maybe music is the way.

For all my followers out there, this one's for you:

En gång kysste jag en ängel.

She's not here anymore

2010-01-11T14:58:00.000+01:00

Screaming out into a void
won't do me much good.
Trying to get through to you,
well, like I ever could.
Listen to the things I do,
not do the things I say.
I'm crying on the inside,
even though I carry out my role
the way I know I'm supposed to.

She's not here anymore,
she left when you entered the room.
She couldn't stand it any more,
she got stabbed by your betrayal,
she got shot down by your remarks.
She cried in you arms.
She got hurt from your betrayal:
She died from you loving her

And nothing I do seems to matter,
no talents I have seem to do.
It seems som easy for you to just freeze up:
Stone face, tough words, hard fists -
so unsatisfied in everything I do.

She's not here anymore,
she left when you entered the room.
She couldn't stand it any more,
she got stabbed by your betrayal,
she got shot down by your remarks.
She cried in your arms.
She got hurt from your betrayal:
She died from you loving her.

Well, how's that for a depressing start for this blog? This is a song I wrote. It has a melody. I like to play this song on my piano when I am home alone. Maybe I should play it when I'm not alone. For a better effect. Maybe. Or maybe not.